So my boyfriend looks at my car today, and he says it's NOT my fuel pump.  It's my timing belt.  Yay!  That is about $100 less to repair money-wise, but approximately the same amount of headache for him to fix, I think.  I've got forty bucks, but I didn't have a hundred and forty.  I'm so relieved. 

What a load off of my mind.

So I was looking at houses today... in Springfield.  *Winks @ mein Ameria*  I did find one I liked, my boyfriend liked it too, actually.  You wanna go check it out for us, Ameria?  lol. 

Now I've got to research the job market around that place.  For both of us.  *sigh*  I can see that this whole thing is going to be MY headache, lol.  Although I don't mind.  I'm actually excited to be looking. 

I've got this weird feeling in my stomach.  It's either the turkey and provolone bagel I just ate, or hope.  ;)

I love you all like...  chocolate chip cookies!!

I agree, this is a global economy, and most people do pay their bills electronically, which I would have no problem doing, but my BILLS are what is causing me to not have the resources to go anywhere. Add to that the fact that I don't have the first clue where I want to go, and that I have to have a job there, and a place to live BEFORE I get to this place I don't know and honestly, I just get so overwhelmed that I don't have the first clue what to do.

Not only that, but if I'm having so much trouble HERE, (somewhat) in the bosom of my family, how will I ever make it anywhere else, all alone? 

I know I seem like the world's worst whiner, but this is the only place I know where I can come and vent all my worries and fears and insecurities and there might be someone who understands.  No one seems to be able to really get where I'm coming from around here.

I also apologize to all of you who read my blog whose problems are so much worse than mine, I know I really don't have that much to complain about, especially when you take your much worse problems in stride with hardly a complaint.

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I'm just not happy with my situation, and don't know what to do to make it better.  I'm looking for a new job, one that I don't have to work nights and weekends, because that's depressing me some too, but I'm not having much luck there. 

I'd like to move somewhere more West of here, more country than city, to a little house that I can afford, working a Mon-Fri job that pays enough to meet my expenses with juat enough left over so that I can start saving a little (for emergencies, like the one's I've had recently) and have just a little spending money.  I'm not really asking for something elaborate, nothing grand.  Just a chance at a decent life, one I can be content with.

My boyfriend says he wants to move too, but whether he's serious, I don't know.  I know that I want to, and if he wants to come along for the ride, that's fine with me. 

The problem isn't knowing what I want, it's knowing how to get it.

Any suggestions? ;)

So, I'm not as depressed as I have been the last two or three days, but I'm not overjoyed about my life either.  I just get so upset because I always saw myself as something... more.  But lately, I can't see how my life can be anything other than it is right now.  Painful. 

I'm fully aware that the pain I'm feeling is a direct result of my own actions, and that there's no one to blame but myself for how hard my life is right now, but I just wish that I could get at least some sort of a break.  :(  Or some sort of epiphany about how to make everything at least a little better.  It's like everything that's good in my life seems to get infected somehow, then just sort of rots from the inside out, unnoticed until it's too late to fix. 

I feel the need to run away.  I want to just move away and start over.  But I can't do that until I take care of (get rid of) everything holding me here, like my bills and stuff, which I can't get rid of if I don't have a better job, AND if all this other CRAP doesn't stop happening to me!! 

I just want to start over.

Okay, so as bad as I was feeling the other day when I posted, I feel worse now.  Besides the things I'm not talking about here, the day before yesterday I had to take an hour off of work to go get a new tire put on my car, because the one on it was about to blow.  Okay, no problem, money's tight, but I can squeeze it in and still eat for the next two weeks until I get paid again, right?  Well, yesterday after I got off work, I'm going down the road and my car just fucking DIES!  It dies right while I'm driving down the road!  My own educated guess is that my fuel pump went out.  $140 to replace.  Like I've got that kind of money.  It will completely wipe me out to have to pay for that. 

Luckily for me, my boyfriend is letting me drive one of his trucks to work & back, but I've got to put gas in it, which I can't really afford, since I filled up my own car not six hours before it crapped out on me. 

What the fuck, seriously?  I feel like my life is some sort of cosmic joke.  That I was randomly picked out of the whole human population by god or the devil or someone and they said, "hey, lets see how much we can actually do to this pathetic being before she can't take any more.  Who wants to place bets on the day she finally breaks, eh?  Any takers?"

On top of all that, I own one pair of shoes (non-heel) and they're falling apart, but because of everything else going on in my life, I can't even afford to get another pair to wear. 

I feel myself spiraling down into a state of depression, and every time I think I can claw my way free, here comes that giant cosmic boot again to kick me in the head and knock me back down into the hole.

I hate my life.

Thank everyone for their kind words to my last post, it really meant a lot to me.  I choked up a little.  Honestly.  And Leggs, I remember ya :)

*sigh*  Hello my loverlies.  Once again it's been a while since I posted.  Although with good reason.  Some of you may know what that reason is, but most of you do not.  I'll keep the reason out of public view for now, but those of you with private access to me may feel free to contact me and inquire about the recent turn of events. 

So, my life is shit right now.  There are moments I just want to jump off the higest precipice I can find.  I find myself constantly sick with worry, and my stomach's always tied up in knots.  It's not good for me.  When I'm not considering suicide, I find myself wishing I could just run away from here.  Not just this *place*, but this life.  I want to take the things I'm unable to leave behind, and just disappear into the wild yonder.  I really don't think that many people would miss me.  Hell, I've done such a good job of isolating myself that I think it would be quite some time before I was even noticed to be missing. 

As an example of how depressed I am, I missed my weekly pool date with my boys.  I didn't even want to go.  I ended up riding around between courthouses and lawyer's offices to find out about getting a divorce actually in the works.  I also ended up breaking my (soon-to-be) ex-husband's heart YET AGAIN.  I am truly a piece of shit and if God were fair he would strike me dead where I sit right now to stop the madness.  I swear I fuck up the life of everyone I come into contact with.  EVERYONE.  It's like I'm diseased.  Just call me Typhoid Mary.  Catastrophic Connie.  Devastation Debbie.  Whatever.  I'm so over this whole situation called life it's rediculous. 

I think I'm having an existential meltdown.  I am on overload and my circuits can't take but so much more of this shit before they fry. 

I wish I could think of something positive to post.  I really do.  And I apoligize to anyone who actually made it this far. 

Mein Ameria, my e-mail address has changed.  The correct one is linked in my posts to you. I love you and miss you and really wish I could hug you right now, for both our sakes.  Dierdre, my sincerest apologies for not being on your site much, but I swear you're not the only one I've been neglecting.  Flip, I really miss your sense of humor right about now.  And finally, to my anonymous lurker, and you know who you are, your support of me recently has meant so much more to me than I could ever tell you.  Even when I want to curl up into a tiny little ball and die, the thought of you can still make me smile. 

I love you all, and if I cheer up later, I may post a more positive spin on my life as it is currently unfolding.

There is a certain person who shall remain nameless that I am THRILLED to see here, however distasteful said visitor's screen name happens to be. *smirks* 

Anywho...  so I updated my resume on Monster.com today, and applied for a few jobs.  The only issue I have with getting a 'normal' job is that it will totally interfere with my pool playing on Thursdays.  However, I am mature enough to understand that my extracurricular activities must take a backseat to my taking responsibility for my own life.  Besides, my pool boys love me enough to stay until I get there... right?  *smiles beseechingly*

*hugs mein Ameria*  That's so sweet of you to call someone on a comment they made you thought was mean!!  That's why I love you!  But he's right, it is an inside joke between us and he didn't mean any harm :)  *squeezes you harder* Thank you for taking up for me, though, babycakes!  Oh, and don't worry, I'm not disappearing on you again, I just haven't had the chance to log on the last coupla days.

I love you all!!! 

Okay, for all of you who waited with bated breath to find out the results of our little social experiment, the results are in:

No one is immune to my charms.

*does dorky endzone dance*

HP has nothing on me, baby! 

So I got written up at work today because I called in on Saturday.  Eff 'em.  I'm gonna look for a new job anyway.   They blow.  This working every freaking weekend has GOT to stop. (*spontaniously humps mein Ameria*) I mean, seriously, do they think that no one has anything better to do on a saturday night than work?  It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't EVERY FREAKIN SATURDAY!! This isn't what I signed up for, and I told them that from the get-go. I mean, I specifically remember saying I didn't want to work every weekend; and no one who works there (except the poor stocker guy they just hired) is old enough to have Alzheimer's disease, so, what gives?!?

In other news, my parents got home from their trip today.  My dad is in a totally bad mood.  He doesn't like dogs, and while they were gone, I moved my dog over here. I've seriously got to get a new (better paying) job so I can get the heck outta this joint. 

Also in other news, I would like to say that I am thrilled to see mein Ameria and Flip again!  Oh, oh, and Dierdre, too!  Thank you all for coming so promptly to pay homage to my newly resurrected blog!!!

I love you all like a bag full of nothing but RED skittles!

AND check it!  Three days in a row I've posted!  *pats self on the back*  Way to get right back in there, kiddo!

aaaaanywho...

So here I sit, separate but not alone.  Across the room, my guy is on his own laptop, doing his own thing, and here I am, sitting on his bed, doing mine.  The only thing that doesn't make this completely pathetic is that we aren't sitting here IMing instead of talking! 

What is it about computers that turn us into such solitary creatures, even in the same room with another person?  I could understand it if we were working on something of importance, but we're both just surfing (well, *I'm* working on my blog, which is extremely important to my hordes of adoring fans!) and pretty much ignoring the other.

If I wanted to do this I could have stayed home tonight and saved my gas.  I'm thinking of trying a little experiment.  I'm going to go over there and let him know I want some, and see if I get a response or get blown off.  I'm betting I get blown off, personally. 

ACK!  He just spoke to me!!

*-Stay tuned, social experimentation in progress-*

>static<

Wow!  I was just reading back through a lot of my posts, and I must say (with all the humble-ness I can muster) that I am freakin brilliant.  My special blend of self-depreciation and sarcasm tends to sneak up on one, unnoticed, until it gets ya.  

So, also while I was reading my blog, I was checking out some of the comments that had been left, and it made me realize how much I missed mein Ameria!!  All the funny little sayings and things we would... well, say, to each other. *humps her nostalgically* 

There are a few friends of mine that I know get on the computer, but I dont have their contact info. that I would like to be able to keep in touch with on-line.  I will make it a point to try and give them my blog addy, or my myspace page info or something.

I must've done a pretty good job on my blog; I actually still  like the layout & stuff.  Just need to do a little updating of info and I'm good to go. As a matter of fact, I might go try to update my page.  I may come back and update this post later, or when I wake up in the morning.